Okay so once again I had a blog hiatus for several months…..which I really shouldn’t have, but I did so yeah….until July I will do my best to post when I feel it is necessary or relevent. In July I am going to Italy for a study abroad program, so I will have a separate blog for that as part of my class requirement and so that my family and friends can be updated on my European adventures. This is the website http://cominghometoitaly.blogspot.com/, if whoever reads this cares.
Anyway, a quick update. I did extremely well last semester, FINALLY made Dean’s list in a normal semester (3.65 in a semester with 18 credits, I worked around 20 hours a week, and I am in two greek organizations with a 3.6 cummulative, pretty proud of myself.) I came home to Charlottesville where I am currently taking a summer class at UVA on the history of China while I work part-time at the Eddie Bauer at Fashion Square Mall. The class ends June 10th and all that stands between me and Italy is a paper, a final, and a few weeks!
Okay, now that the update is over I can actually blog about why I can’t sleep. I was sitting in bed thinking about what I want to accomplish and who I want to be. I’ve made a lot of progress in not only realizing my faults, such as anger, and not always making time for myself, but I’ve made a lot of improvement on changing these fault, but I still have a lot to learn. Lying in bed I realized one of my biggest faults is my own insecurity, I am always afraid of what others think and how others judge me. That’s why I don’t like letting people hear me sing, especially when I am practicing. Which I know doesn’t make sense because I love to sing, but I think sometime between high school and college I realized that I was one of many who loved to sing and so many people are better than I am, that I felt and still feel I can’t compete with them. I don’t know how, but I HAVE to let this go, I HAVE to stop being afraid. Nothing is worse than giving up before you have even tried. I’m afraid of rejection, especially from those I love. I know I am not “special” and that I am not the only person with these issues, but damn it I’ve worked hard to overcome some of the shadows of my past this past semester and I will not stop trying to overcome them. I have to figure out how to let go…..everyone cares what other people think to some degree, so I just need to learn how to not care so much. There will always be someone who sings better than I do and someone who sings worse, it doesn’t mean I should hide my voice and give up what I love out of fear. I think I can go to sleep now…..I have a feeling coffee is going to be my friend tomorrow considering I am getting up in about 5 hours. These are the thoughts of a girl, a woman, who is trying to find her voice and her place in this ever-changing world, take them however you chose.
